Well, I know it’s been awhile and was really hoping to be more consistent with this, but the last couple of weeks have been “full on” as they say, so didn’t have the brain power or energy to write anything. Currently psyching myself up for “the blog post of all blog posts” (for me and in MY mind anyway!) about homosexuality, gay marriage & the church….but again, need to be really “switched on” to take off and punch that one out…but still…I’m close….something I have wanted to write about for about the last 5 years or so…and I’m done procrastinating (almost!).
ANYWAY….in the mean time….felt like using tonight’s post to vent a little…and hopefully encourage….we’ll see how it goes ;0)….
So I’ve been having one of those weeks as a mommmy that has just nearly brought me to my knees….and tears. And yeah, I AM PMSing (so don’t worry, have factored that in to how I THINK I’m feeling about this all), but just having so many moments this week where I truly did not think that I (or my husband, let’s be honest) had the slightest idea what we were doing with our daughter. Like no, seriously….not saying it to be modest or get a bunch of “of course you do, she’ll be fine”, because I have genuinely been at a loss a few times this week and today, it just made me throw in the towel for a bit…I went and took a nap.
See our sweet girl is 6 1/2 and she is just one, big, over-the-top ball of emotion and constant contrary thinking. And lately, that has manifested itself in her “hating” EVERYTHING. She hates school (it’s a new one), she hates church (her 2 closest girlfriends weren’t there today), she hates her brother and me a few times a day….it’s like she is 6 going on 16 and I am convinced she must have hormones driving some of her extreme thoughts & feelings…I mean, how can a 6 year old be THIS admant…THIS passionate….about everything??? I know with her that “the apple does not fall far from the tree”, TRULY…I remember being this extreme at her age…I remember believing that everything I felt was SO real and I’m not sure there was much my parents could have done to help me, but just be there. I’m trying to be there….trying to let her “vent”….be angry when she needs to be, not try to rationaize with her when she thinks her world is ending and be ready to hug her when 10 minutes later she wants to have a tea party with me or show me a drawing she drew JUST FOR ME. BUT this week, I felt like I couldn’t “be there” on a few occasions because all I wanted to do was scream at her….and I HAVE raised my voice and I’m pretty certain have had a few “bad parenting moments” and today I was beating myself up over it…feeling like I was going to just “ruin” my daughter because I couldn’t “get it right” when I felt she needed me to most.
And then…I started thinking about my friends…those I interact with quite a bit and have seen be good parents…GREAT parents. I have also seen them “lose their shit” a few times. I was NOT thinking about them and going to myself “WELL, at least I’m not like so-and-so”…No, I was thinking about them and I felt like God was saying to me “Are THEY bad parents?? Do they NOT love THEIR kids?” and I thought “Of course not God, I KNOW that THEY love THEIR kids! DUH!!” and He said back “Well then???” And I just felt like it was God handing me some grace through my friends, when I needed it. Because, yeah I have stuffed up a few times this week and I have not responded in a helpful, patient, instructive manner to my girl, whom I love more than life itself…BUT I STILL love her more than life itself….and I still do my best the way all my other wonderful “mommy friends” do…and I think as mom’s if we aren’t going to pass judgement on our friends, we dang sure need to be gentle on ourselves….ya know?? So yeah…I’m happy many of my friends have let me see their “bad days” or horrible parenting moments, because I saw them and when I did I felt for them, because I have been there…we all have. I think we need to be able to let our friends see us “lose it” every once in awhile (I mean, don’t plan it, because that’s just counterproductive), but as moms in our circle of friends, we need to be able to support each other, even when if a stranger saw us parenting in that one, bad, horrible moment they might be tempted to call social services, we know our friends are standing by with the pram/stroller, ready to help you pin down that screaming toddler and get the heck back to the car!!
So yeah…it’s been a tough week…I have not been happy with my daughter or myself…but I felt like God showed me a glimmer of grace and reality today. And another “light” I saw was when I heard Maddie talking so excitedly and vividly about “Charlie & the Chocolate Factory” (no joke she has probably watched it 15 times at least!) and how she wanted to make her own Chocolate Factory one day. And she doesn’t say these plans in a whimsical, “yeah it’d be nice” way, but with conviction as if she WILL do this and if she doesn’t, her life might not be complete! This week she even made her and her little brother (one of the times she was loving him and doting on him) their very own “Golden Tickets” (her’s was purple, his was blue so not sure she understood the whole “Godlen” part, but I am certaintly NOT pointing out that fact and I dare anyone else to!). My sweet girl, who feels everything like her mama was so enthralled with the story of Willy Wonka & Charlie she was on the phone to both sets of grandparents telling them she was visitng a Chocolate Factory…and then she couldn’t believe it when they actually believed her and were asking her where it was (gotta love grandparents and their “senior moments”, ha, ha,ha!). I’ve been watching her just fall in-love with this story and want SO badly to be a part of it and I see myself…I saw the old version of the movie growing up and I too was obsessed for awhile, with great earnest, about building my own “candy land” one day. It’s like real, genetic deja vu watching Maddie! Seeing THIS side of her made me realize, “Yep, she is her mommy’s daughter, the bad, the good and the uniquely awesome” ;0). Trying to be thankful for ALL of her this week….but boy has it been a DOOZY!! And thankful for God giving me glimpses of hope, encouragement and the good side of a some times tough reality, of being a flawed mommy!
The next time YOU are feeling like you are wrecking your kid because you just couldn’t console them ONE more time about something trivial (“Yes honey, I am SURE your head-less LalaLoopsy Doll will be whole again in heaven one day!!”) or discuss AGAIN why they have to go to school 5 days a week instead of 3…think about me….and your other friends…who are probably not doing a “perfect” job of parenting in some moment of that day. BUT we still love our kids bunches, just like you do and in the end we just have to truly believe that THAT love, will overpower any of our mistakes or inherited “flaws” that we may or may not help them navigate…depending on the day, hours of sleep the night before, overall attitude towards life, if our husband pissed us off that morning, etc. Our kids WILL get the “big picture” one day….they will…and your love, MY love will be in the centre of the chaos and mess!
Keep pressing on towards that goal….whatever it is! xoxoxo